Becoming A Regular
The way to forge deep relationships is to keep showing up and become a regular.
In 2021, in a matter of months, I went from living in a house of 40 people with a roommate to living in a 686-square-foot, one-bedroom apartment alone. A 100-foot room squeezed for space was replaced by a living room that swallowed a 55-inch TV and couch. 5 PM buffet-style dinner with 39 others was replaced by an 8 PM dinner alone. I once could walk into any room and find someone to hang with, and now, I was surrounded by strangers.
My job post-graduation moved me to a city where I knew few people. I had friends moving to the city a year later after completing their education, but until then, I trekked alone. I wasn’t fantastic at meeting people knowing I had friends coming. I worked from home three days a week, went to my apartment gym with extensive offerings, and shopped at the same grocery store twice a week. I operated in a bubble.
I wasn’t lonely, but I wasn’t flourishing either. On many weekends, I visited my college town to see friends. I didn’t immerse myself in my city too much. I didn’t go to a gym, frequent a coffee shop, or religiously visit a restaurant. Nowhere did I become a regular. I felt the effects of being alone — a shared sentiment among younger generations.
35% of young people say they don’t know how to make friends and have never felt more alone. Gen Z spends much less time in person than previous generations. We yearn for friendship so much that a dating app, Bumble, created a swiping version for friends. Reddit is plastered with posts on the difficulty of making friends. Third spaces have declined. COVID didn’t help. Bouts of loneliness increased as the demand for connection skyrocketed. But when everything lies online, it is restrictive. You are not forced to consistently interact with others.
Here’s what happened: our increasingly online lives allowed us to forget the art of becoming a regular. When you can order a meal, and it appears at your front door with one click, we stopped regularly going to restaurants. When you can hop on your Peloton bike and be in a virtual class with others, we stopped driving to the gym. Keurig can brew coffee similar to your local shop, which eliminates the need to go to a coffee shop.
Gone were effort, repeat occurrences, and slowly building relationships. DoorDash replaced the joy of seeing your favorite server and replaced it with another rewards app program. Peloton eliminated working out with your favorite gym partner and substituted it for another video on a screen.
We aren’t regulars anymore. We don’t go to a restaurant and the server memorizes our order because they see us often. We don’t go to a gym and see our favorite gym buddies that we always talk sports with. Nowadays, we don’t regularly show our faces and allow for serendipity. Grocery stores are for tuning out the world and listening to a podcast rather than chatting with our favorite produce clerk. The gym is for headphones in, and world out rather than talking to those around you on the same mission. Sometimes, the only thing that regularly sees our faces is our phone lock screen.
Of course, everyone doesn’t do this, but we struggle with loneliness more than ever. The ones, like me, who move to a city not knowing people and want to talk to others beyond a screen. The ones who can’t stand to rot in bed all day, and must go outside.
It is simple. It has never been better to become a regular.
Go to a place and keep showing up. Others will notice you, and you will notice others. It works. Some of these group fitness classes, the CorePower Yoga, CrossFit, Running Clubs, and Cyclebars of the world are considered cults, which is up for debate. But what is not up for debate is they nourish you physically, mentally, and emotionally while connecting you with others. They help you make friends when you see the same people at the same time each week. They don’t make it weird for you to compliment a stranger on their workout or ask them for tips on yours.
I have made an effort to become a regular. It is daunting at first and requires persistence. I sometimes sit in stop-and-go traffic for 45 minutes to go to CrossFit. Sometimes, I despise the drive there, but I never head home regretting it! I go to bed at 10 PM on a Friday to be rested for a Saturday morning workout.
But the more I go, the more I become a regular and strengthen those relationships. I joined the gym not knowing a single soul, but now, I leave having many conversations and much later than expected. We remember others' plans, life happenings, and schedules. They ask me about my Turkey Trot not because my Instagram story told them but because they remembered our conversation.
It is hard to have a bad day when I enter the gym. No matter how mind-numbing traffic can be, the frustration washes away when I arrive. They don’t want to hear about how I sat in traffic. They want to hear about my day, crack a joke, or try to decipher how we will survive this workout together.
I sometimes go to a commercial gym and do Olympic lifting. Olympic lifting at a commercial gym is a rare scene. But whenever I see my friend who does the same, we ask each other about our lifting, and I always ask about his life as a resident doctor. I get a haircut every 2-3 weeks. My barber cuts my hair without asking what I need. We always talk about our training for our next road race and our thoughts on the Boston Celtics last few games.
So yes, becoming a regular is valuable. Some may say I am in a cult by doing CrossFit. I say yes, we all have the same practices that might be strange to the outside, but name an activity that people do once, three, or five times a week that isn’t considered one. People will talk about their book or running club in the same vein as CrossFit. I have never known someone to do something consistently and refuse to discuss it. In fact, they can’t shut up about it. It shows the value of becoming a regular.
Returning again, and again, and again, allows you to make real connections without rushing it. Nietzsche says,
“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.”
The world has a loneliness epidemic. Loneliness is defeated through consistent interactions, which allows for depth and connection. Becoming a regular is a solution. It doesn’t rush connection. It creates intention. It understands that creating relationships takes time. A regular always comes back. They show up at the same time, same place, and eventually, they find their people.
The way to forge deep relationships is like much of life, just keep showing up and becoming a regular.
-Scantron
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