Sometimes we don't need advice. Sometimes we need someone to listen.
When someone is experiencing a hard time or a breakthrough, you don’t need to say some wise thing or tell a story; you just have to be there.
Alright,
Alright,
Alright
Those words follow Matthew McConaughey everywhere. As Google is to search engines, Matthew McConaughey is to alright, alright, alright. They are synonymous. The first words he said in his acting career when he thought it might be a hobby, but grew it into a career. People get tattoos of the saying. People live by it – an embodiment of confidence that exudes an aura of silent strength. It marks the calm, cool demeanor of Matthew McConaughey, but those three affirmations didn’t always guarantee smoothness.
McConaughey muttered those words when he played Wooderson in Dazed and Confused while still in film school. The role gave him practical experience to become a more competent director for his film school productions. His improved directing skills led him to become a better actor, and not long after, he had the lead role in A Time to Kill beside Sandra Bullock.
The day of the opening of A Time to Kill, life didn’t change. Matthew McConaughey strolled to his favorite deli like always without much fanfare besides a few girls who thought he was cute and a dude who liked his shoes. He got his typical order, a tuna fish sandwich with extra pickles and ketchup on the side, and went about his day. On its opening weekend, A Time to Kill grossed 15 million dollars – a success in 1996. The walk to the deli soon changed. He was famous. He was “the next big thing”. He was no longer a man a few girls thought was cute or a guy with good taste in shoes. He was a man that everyone felt they knew.
To him, they were strangers, but to them, he was their best friend. They knew his dog had cancer and abandoned the typical, polite introductions and figured an invasive question would suffice. Work began to change. It shifted from what movies he hoped to work on to what roles he would have to refuse. It was hard for him to decipher what was real. He didn’t know who to trust. The thought of if he deserved it marinated in his mind. He needed to center himself. Get back to what he knew and readjust his perspectives.
The Monastery Christ in the desert to Abiquiu, New Mexico, a place with a population of 231 people, provided the necessary readjustment. The road off the highway that leads to the Monastery washed out making it inaccessible to cars. His friend dropped him off. He made the 13.5 mile march to the Monastery in hopes of finding himself amid the commotion of newfound fame.
On his second day at the Monastery, he approached a Brother explaining he needed to talk to someone about life and the thoughts cluttering his mind. He was referred to Brother Christian. They met for a four hour walk in the desert.
For the first 3.5 hours of the walk, Matthew McConaughey professed his demons, anxieties, thoughts, and anything that spilled out of his mouth. It was all him. Brother Christian didn’t mumble a word. Not one. He listened. Matthew McConaughey reflects on the conclusion of the walk in his book Greenlights,
“Now weeping, I eventually came to the end of my confession. We sat in silence while I awaited Christian’s judgment. Nothing. Finally, in the unrest of stillness, I looked up. Brother Christian who hadn’t said one word to me this entire time, looked me in the eyes and in almost a whisper, said to me,
‘Me, too.’
Sometimes we don’t need advice. Sometimes we just need to hear we’re not the only one.”
Sometimes we need to hear we aren’t alone in a world polluted by noise, advice, and people speaking over each other. Sometimes we need someone who listens to every word without smothering us with advice. The temptation creeps in to revert to the frames you are comfortable with. To tell the anecdote that relates so well or spend five minutes articulating your thoughts on the matter, but it is best to resist this temptation.
David Brooks talks about it in his book How to Know A Person,
“When someone is going through a hard time, you don’t need to say some wise thing; you just have to be there, with heightened awareness of what they were experiencing at that moment.”
It is presence to allow someone to work through their thoughts. People need someone aware of what they are facing. We break through because we realize the world isn’t conspiring against us, and others experience the same. It isn’t a requirement to be during a challenging time either. It can be when they are reaching a revelation. The best work happens when we must vocalize our thoughts to someone who will listen. Silence can clarify, echo, and reaffirm. It doesn’t need to be validated. It is as simple as ‘Me Too’ or a perceptive question.
Theo Von had Richard Reeves on his podcast This Past Weekend. He tells Richard about calling his brother to talk about a tough day he was experiencing. Theo struggled to verbalize his thoughts, but his brother told him he had a few minutes and could sit on the phone in silence if needed. They didn’t have to talk, but if he did he would listen. Theo was moved to tears,
“You didn’t realize all the time you needed someone just to be there. I didn’t need to hear him say anything. I didn’t need to hear how they thought I felt… I just needed someone there.”
People want someone to listen and be aware. They want to feel the profoundness of silence and spew out the words that clog their insides. Theo doesn’t only preach it. Sean Strickland, a UFC champion, was a guest on his podcast.
He came from a background bursting with trauma saying, “you couldn’t pay me to go f****** relive my life.” He didn’t graduate elementary school, didn’t graduate high school, led a life with an abusive father, lived with anger, and felt happiness for the first time in the 9th grade. The conversation peaks when he talks about falling asleep in school. He slept in school because his dad would keep him awake until three in the morning. His teacher would take his desk away to discourage him from falling asleep. He resorted to sleeping on the floor because he was so drained. He is struggling. He lies awake in bed at night and loses faith in god. He begins to sob struggling to put words together. Theo noticing it says,
“We don't have to talk man, I can just sit with you here for a minute."
It is a loving and empathetic way to see a person. To let them know the greatest priority lies in making sure they are heard. Theo even begins to have tears wind down his face wiping his eyes, but to hold space for someone in that manner is profound.
We spew all the advice, tell the relatable personal anecdotes, but what most people want is a space to be heard and feel human. Sometimes, we don’t need advice; only someone to listen and be there.
-Scantron
Appreciate you for reading.